True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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