Umm I'm too high to move.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
