You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
