I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
