When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
