I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
