my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
