Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
