you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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