Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
