What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
