It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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