I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
