i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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