I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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