I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest