Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
