How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My vagina is officially offended.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions