I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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