I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you inspire me to be a worse person
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
