I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
