I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Drake has all the answers
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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