i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
