i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
