...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
