Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
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