I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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