last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
why is half of my head shaved?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
