Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
