The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
