It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
