someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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