I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
