I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
