Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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