so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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