You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
