i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
