Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
