i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
