last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
