Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
