made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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