The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
