Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
