Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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