you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
