i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
