He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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