I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
