I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I think we might need a safe word for this...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
