I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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