I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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