the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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