Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
