Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
