i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
