Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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