My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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