oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
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For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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