He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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