God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
