dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
