Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you would pick up someone in the library
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
