My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
