Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
